Day 4 and other stuff too

Been a long hard day, but, I have done well only taken 2/3rds of the amount of codeine i normally take in a day. I have a few pains and stuff from not having the amount my body is used to but they are barable!! Fluey, sore head, the odd muscle cramp, a bit dizzy at times and fidgety but then i always fidget anyway!!

I went to the Cochleal Implant Unit today and they did hearing tests but i heard nothing all i got were very uncomfortable vibrations when they played hi frequency noises but that shows the cochlea is responding and that the implants should work well for me!

My next appointment is to get newer stronger hearing aids even tho there wont be much help they will keep the cochlea stimulated so that the implants will work well!! I have to wear them as much as i can even if it is somewhat uncomfortable. Then later in August i will go see Mr Toner one of the surgeons and he will get mri scans cat scans and xrays of the brain and iner ears done so they can see all they need to so they can operate. The girl said it could be October when i get the implants but i said ill not count on it just yet hehe. There will be councilling etc to prepare me for life with the digital sounds. They will sound electronic to me for a sort time until my brain synchronises its self with the implants, they said that will be easier for my brain as it already has the memory off sounds unlike someone deaf from birth whose brain will have never been used to process the sound signals. Those people need to be told what the sound was so they can remember it etc plus they would have speach therapy so they can communicate better as a hearing person.
They said i should still go for lip reading classes as it will help in the process too. The sounds may make me feel a bit disoriantated at times until the brains back to 100% in the sound processor area.

They now have a choice of 4 different makes of implant equipment for me and by the time i have to choose which one there will be 5. 2 of them have a remote control lol
And with all of them you can choose the colours of the main bits that are visable. Plus will all of them you get various accessories for ipods mobile phones hearing loops etc there is alot of choice now and there will be alot more in the future too.
I will just be glad to get back into the hearing world again and to hear my music etc

One set of implant equipment costs £25000 (20,000 for the bit inside the head and cochlea and 5,000 for the bits you can see) and the operation costs another £10,000 approx ALOT of money but i believe its worth it for a person to have their live back! Just like all these new cancer drugs, they cost so much but i think those who need it should be allowed the treatments as we all deserve a better life!

I know the NHS only has so much money but the world spends alot more on stupid unneeded things like luxury boats and cars private pools etc
We spent billions on wars etc which end up destroying lives no matter if it is to stop radicals and terror from corrupting the world!! How many hearing implants could be bought with the cost of one typhoon euro fighter? answer millions of them!
Or how many pacemakers for heart patients would you get for the cost of a nuculear submarine!!! Or how many breast cancer screenings could be got with the cost of an army landrover??

Thing is its the quest for better war machines that brought us things like velcro, teflon and microwave ovens andd many things we now use without thinking about it!!

Yeah war is a terrible thing the wake of destruction and ruined lives left behind makes us all think its not worth it which is probably true. Im just glad we have had some good things come out as a byproduct.

I have been thinking alot today about how many people i have let down or dissapointed since i started on painkillers. My family and friends, ex girlfriends etc And right now someone i love so much it hurts me when i think i have let her down alot. So to her I say I am so so sorry and i love you so much more than you know and more than i show. I feel like a real fuck up when i think about it all but part of the process of getting back to the true me is addressing the things i have done to upset, hurt, dissapoint and let them down.

I know i am not a bad person but right now i feel like a pile of shit. I would do anything i can to make you happy i want us to be happy together and i know we can be.
Youre the one who made me see sence and see i was destroying my body.
So thank you and i am sorry we have not got off to the best start but i really believe we can make things work for us so that we can have a very happy and wonderful life together if you give me that chance!!!

We all deserve a second chance for many of our faults and errors in life
We all deserve to have a chance to be happy in everything we do, even tho the road ahead will throw up many tests and obstacles we can only do our best in trying to overcome them all.

If you do your best and try hard but fail you have to say to yourself "I tried, ill pick myself up and keep trying until i succeed."

hope you all have a good weekend