Funny Quotes

"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." - Rowan Atkinson.

This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best

"the bowler is Holding the batsmens Willey" Brian Johnston

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." - Oscar Wilde

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - WC Fields

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante.

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer Simpson

"Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." - Will Rogers.

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan.

"Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree" - Lisa Bryant

"If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the holidays?" - Josh Longden

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.